The Clone Bores

Ask anyone that knows me what I like and chances are Star Wars will be one of the first things they say. I grew up watching the original three films, or the Holy Trilogy as they're referred to in our house. At a very young age George Lucas had a tight grip on my heart, and my parents' wallets. When it was announced that the new animated Clone Wars was going to grace the big screen, I was all a tingle in my gentlemen parts.

The more I saw the trailers and read the reviews, the more worried I became about this film. It certainly didn't have the media blitz attached to it you'd expect from a Star Wars film; I suppose Warner Brothers also wasn't expecting much from the film.

Entertainment Weekly gave the film an F and said George Lucas is becoming, "the enemy of fun." I tried to hide the issue of the magazine from Leslie but unfortunately she found it. The New York Times said, "this new “Star Wars” saga (II.5?) completes the franchise’s divorce from photography-based cinema, as well as from any relationship to credible human feeling."

Doubt began to set in amongst the household. Even Prickers was seen sulking in the corner, a Clone Trooper tucked tightly in his paws. Everyone was turning against me, but like a Jedi facing the Sith, I would not be deterred. I had to see this movie. So I forced Leslie into the car and locked the door, and we went to the theater.Sadly, the world was right. The movie was pretty damn bad. I have defended the Star Wars films since the prequels started coming out, and I still stand behind my claim that Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is an amazing film. But this? This is just garbage. This film should have never happened. Not only is this film an insult to Star Wars nerds everywhere, it's an affront to anyone with a working set of eyes and ears.

The plot centers around a boring adventure of Mannequin Skywalker and padawan, Miley Cyrus. Jabba the Hutt's son is kidnapped and these two plucky Jedi are charged with his rescue. Along the way they encounter Sith, bumbling robots, and a baby Hutt that likes to burp. Sorry kids, no grown men getting kicked in the balls. There is also no explanation as to how this film fits into the existing Star Wars continuity. I mean, Episode III takes place after this, and Anakin's new padawan Ahsoka is no where to be found in that film. I'm pretty sure there is more Clone Wars to take place after this, but who really cares.

I really feel like the film makers decided to put out this contrived nugget of disappointment realizing that it would be a blockbuster regardless of how awful it was, and sadly they'll be right. The theater wasn't that full, but those that were there had little kids with them, who were definitely the target audience of this film.

If nothing else the film looked pretty. They could have taken the boring route and just made them look real, but instead they gave the characters a unique style. Sadly, the studio hardly holds a candle to seasoned computer generated filmmakers such as Pixar.

So yeah, this was a big bummer for me. I hope we can expect better things from the live action Star Wars series that's planned to come out in the future. Avoid unless you are under the age of ten.